Holidays And Adoption: Placing Parents
During the holidays, I receive many calls from Parents that have completed an adoption plan for their babies whether it is Thanksgiving, Christmas, or Easter though especially Mother’s Day and the baby’s birthday. Family holidays can be especially difficult whether or not the extended family of the mom is aware of the choice to place, the mom made.
It is hard to hear of and realize how insensitive to the placing parent’s feelings, people can be. Not only extended family members but also friends and even strangers if they learn this information about the placing parent’s decision can say the unkindest things. It is already a sensitive and emotional time for the mom and when she is questioned about her reasons for her decision or love for her child, she may become depressed and feel the need to withdraw.
Fearing these reactions, many placing moms will not tell their family or friends about the pregnancy, delivery, or decision to place. They will successfully hide their pregnancy, deliver their baby, and experience the placement without anyone knowing. I have seen this more times than I can count over the years. Even though this may protect them from the judgement they are afraid of, it can create a feeling of isolation and is a huge part of their life experience that they have chosen to keep secret. Talking with a trusted parent, friend or relative who is supportive, kind and loving, helps the mom to heal and I always encourage. It’s a difficult thing for the expectant mom to do, however the sooner in the pregnancy she can have this conversation, the more time everyone will have to adjust and work through their emotions.
The Adopting Parents are encouraged to send pictures and emails during holidays even though they may fear that this will accentuate the feelings of loss in the mother whose child they have adopted; I have never seen this to be the case. In my experience, birthparents are grateful that their feelings are being considered by the adoptive parents. There may be some sadness though their joy at seeing their child looking happy and well cared for outweighs their own feelings of loss.
For the individuals who are close to the mom who has made or is making an adoption plan for their baby, it is best to acknowledge her feelings, ask her if she would like to talk about them, or if there is anything special she would like to do such as pick out a card to send to the child, have time to be alone, buy a journal to write her thoughts down, offer to take her out to a quiet place such as a park or restaurant where she can talk.
These important people in the mom’s life should never criticize, threaten, embarrass, or reject these women. Giving her support and understanding if she has already made or is planning to place will lead to a healthier adjustment. The women who are told by their parents that they will support them no matter what they choose generally, make a decision they are happier and more at peace with, without the outside pressure of trying to make a decision they may resent one day, just to please someone else. They are also more confident to stand up to pressure and unkind and judgmental comments made to them regarding their adoption plan for the baby if they have backing from those they trust.
If the placing mom does not feel like going to a large family gathering at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, or Mother’s Day, respect her wishes. An alternate plan might be to have another smaller private celebration with only those who are aware and supportive.
The women I have worked with over the years know that I always want to hear from them if they are struggling during these times and there is no time that they can’t call me.
This is written with women in mind, primarily because women’s emotions affect every area of their lives and are not easily hidden therefore can be dealt with; whereas the men, I have worked with are better at compartmentalizing their emotions and not allowing anyone to know what is really going on in a specific area of their life experience. There have been very few who have dealt with their feelings openly and I frequently hear frustration expressed by the women that their boyfriends or husbands won’t talk to them, leave when they cry or avoid them when they try to talk about the adoption plans, placement experience, the baby or if pictures are received of the baby, will refuse to look at them. They may use drugs or alcohol as avoidance mechanisms.
Adoption is a complex experience and requires professional guidance through the experience and adoption plan, not only procedurally but emotionally, as well. It is much more than a family that wants a baby and a mom looking for a family for her baby that she feels unable to keep. In the excitement of seeing the happiness of a family’s dreams coming true of completing their family, never forget, these are human beings and a lifetime experience for everyone involved. Every aspect should be addressed and treated with the greatest attention and care.
The act of adoption, placing or adopting should be handled with the respect and reverence it deserves. Adoption is the birth of a new family and there will be labor pains.